It bears looking into what’s your investment in being good and nice like what would happen if you weren’t and a lot of the nice nice boys were good boys with their parents and maybe there was a sneaky side to them that did let’s say more individuated things but they’re often in front of people not just parents but school authorities, whatever, they develop a persona to get along and there was some part of themselves that got pushed underground. Because the typical approach to dating which I’m sure you see in a lot is like “I’m going to keep my heart, cards really close to my chest.So, the nice guys, it’s really – it bears fruit if you look into what your fears are about emotional pain and where this might have come from and perhaps you were so successful at being the good boy that you never ever, you never even developed something else, a deeper feeling about life. It’s not a one size fits all but the closest to one size fits all answer that I could give is look into what’s my relationship to emotional pain? I’m going to be really cool or really attractive or really amazing and not reveal anything unpleasant.” And way for them to take the risks and then down the road when we sleep together or you we want to be in relationship then I can let some stuff slide out.
” That would be the — but you can still be nice when you say to a woman but have you thought about it this way or hey, that’s not quite the same as what you said over here.
Like be willing to point out just little discrepancy in the way the conversation is flowing.
So, one practice that I did which is you look for an opportunity once a day to literally say the phrase “I disagree.” Dr. I can challenge someone’s perspective or offer something different. I mean, that’s really – you know that’s going to ruffle some feathers and as I did it, I found that you can say in such a way that it doesn’t even, you know, you say “Wait, I disagree blah, blah, blah” and it was really not a big deal but it was a major step for me. Aziz: But the other thing they do is provide you a way to be more differentiated to not be a nice guy but then what comes with that I think can be a whole new persona that is not authentic. We’re going to pause for just one moment right now and take a quick break and then get back to the conclusion of our interview with Dr. You may not know this but loving yourself is actually a skill. Aziz: You said doing something that willing to take the risk that might make the other person feel a little discomfort. But repeat those inside in you and you go, “Okay, that was an actual thing that I noticed, that I inhibited.” And honor those things and begin to imagine yourself saying more of those things and that is an effective behavior change tool. I mean I think there are so much good stuff there about how to – that idea of flirting with presence and being in a moment and just maybe a few basic things you might share for listeners and I’m going to strongly encourage people if you’re interested in dating and creating authentic relationships any of your books are going to do it especially the Truth in Dating is fantastic read. Susan: He’s willing to face up to his possible emotional pain, okay, so what would he do? It didn’t put quite so much attachment to how it’s going to come out that you kind of make that your growth goal to “how about if I just try to be friendly?
You know there’s one question I want to ask about what you said and this is gets into the world of, you know if you go to the internet and if you’re guy and you say I want to learn how to meet women, you’re going to find a pick-up artist teaching and I think they provide something valuable for two things. And so, here’s what kind of an encapsulation of what some of these… Susan: That a nice guy is substitute tough guy – Dr. It’s been research in psychology for decades and there are dozens of tools you can use to start loving yourself more right now. Aziz is so passionate about this that he wants to give you three of these tools for free in his new e-book in audio training program called 3 Ways to Truly Love yourself in two weeks. If you can imagine yourself saying it, the next time or the time after that, you’re getting closer and closer to being able to actually do the behavior in real time. So, if someone wants to go much deeper, they should get that book. Like what if I didn’t see this person as a possible candidate for dating?
So, what I want to ask these guys is where are you at with risking emotional pain?
Because I think that the emotional pain theory applies particularly to the nice guys in the world, in other words they haven’t mastered the ability to step into a situation where the results might be unpredictable or possibly painful so it bears looking into. Aziz: And our response is first of all, wow you are being different and the nice guy approach is not working and it’s trying to be like everyone else and so, wow you’re being different but you’re not being different in some kind of weird pick-up way where you’re trying to act the cool guy, you’re being different by being yourself and when you’re fully being yourself, you are different because you’re unique and man, I found things were a lot easier when I just started with this approach.So, there is a little bit of inner coaching or at least having an aim.You know you have to these practices that aren’t always easy. And remember also, most approaches you make with most people, they’re not meant to go on very long.The Bible always teaches morality in the bigger context of hurting and rejecting God, hurting oneself, and hurting others.All three are named specifically in 1 Thessalonians 4:1 – 8.He’s like, “Wow, I really want to meet her but oh, jeez, I don’t have any reason to talk to her and what about emotional pain? But we put so much heaviness on it around all the stakes.