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Our latest strategy to lure the religious rubes into the progressive fold of the Democratic Party has resulted in a decisive victory at the polls this November.

To solidify this victory and make it irreversible we must reconcile the defunct old Founding Fathers' Bible with the progressive ideas of wealth redistribution and equality of outcome for all.

" "Welcome to Gomorrah, the Home of Al Gore and Mike Moorrah." The both were very popular with socially conscious tourists. Similar to the Babel conspiracy, we all the saw the incompetence of R. REMA director Pliny Elder failed to get his Triremes to Pompeii and Herculaneum fast enough, and as a result, law abiding Pompeians had to resort to stealing plasma televisions to survive.

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He votes, drives a hybrid, is in debt, uses recreational drugs, hates Bush, participates in peace marches, complains about the minimum wage, and feels lousy about nothing like everybody else. Some of them are mentally retarded; the rest are progressive minorities, with the ever growing Hispanic representation and a vocal Muslim voting bloc, as well as a gay, lesbian, and transgender alliance, mirroring life itself. Premier Betty, I do not know the play, but it isounds very progressive.

Exactly half of the characters are women (50% of the kings are now queens). Every progressive Christian worth his/her/its "pillar of salt" is sure to enjoy the revised story of Moses, whose crusading band of Zionist aggressors ambushed the disenfranchised Egyptian freedom fighters in what became known as the "Red Sea Massacre." Other revised inspirational stories of moral relativism include: All versions of our Progressive Bible are wisdom-free. It reminds me of a play written by Jerry Springer that was performed in London, in which Jesus had sex with pigs.

They have been replaced with "The Gospel According to Marks" written by Simeon of Marks a prescient, second-century theologian.

This recently rehabilitated text predicts that Jesus will return to earth, in the mid-1800s, in the form of a bearded German philosopher, whose manifesto will provide a blueprint for The Millennium of brotherly redistribution of earthly belongings and collectivist worship.

The New and Revised Ten Progressive Commandments are a Pentecost for our time. An Exodus in which an oppressed people (the proletariat) is led to freedom by an all knowing and wise Party to the promised future promised to them by an all knowing entity (Marx).

We tell everybody to do the opposite of those silly old Jurassic edicts. While in the wilderness, manna falls from the sky, equally landing to each of the people, with no one getting more than the others.2.

We honor all kinds of equality, moral relativism, and hate of bigotry that make our enlightened age, if still a nightmare, better than the past. Keep Sodom and Gomorrah, after all, they were cities full of open minded people who had sex with anyone and anything, a place that Bryan might have lived in.3.

The New Modern Library has already quietly replaced the old, fossilized books in many progressive churches and motel chains with our zippy new versions. Include not only Sodom and Gomorrah, but Saddam and Gore/Moore-ah.

Comrade Branish -The New Bible has many aspects and stories we were unable to include due to format constrains.

The Holy Trinity, for instance, is redefined as Marx (the Father), Lenin (the Son), and the Communist Party (the Holy Ghost).

Perhaps captured best in the poem below: Creed by Steve Turner We believe in Marxfreudanddarwin We believe everything is OKas long as you don't hurt anyone,to the best of your definition of hurt,and to the best of your knowledge. We believe there's something inhoroscopes, UFO's and bent spoons; Jesus was a good manjust like Buddha, Mohammed, and ourselves. We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed. There, with federal funding, we will offer up excuses and apologies and rebuild what was destroyed. But thou certainly may abort, euthanize, or bomb infidels. CHORUS Revolution 17-1922Our Party Which art in Moscow Socialism be thy game.